Humor Pieces

As Your Platonic BFF, I Think You Should Get Back Out There!

I’m just being honest — and not because I know you find honesty attractive in a romantic partner. That’d be ridiculous.

Published on The Weekly Humorist // 02.17.25

How I Learned The Value Of A Hard-Earned Dollar

Sure, my salary was higher than anyone in my family’s history. My 401K was a pipe dream of my forefathers. To the outside observer I had an excellent work-life balance, given my company’s paid time off policy. But none of that was truth. None of it was real.

Short story published on Maudlin House // 01.17.25

Confession: I Stole The Cookie From The Cookie Jar

The truth? It has a way of eating away at you when the sugar high wears off.

Published on Points In Case // 10.17.24

Our Boutique Hotel Isn’t Like Other Boutique Hotels

We make our margaritas with mezcal instead of tequila—no other boutique hotel is really doing that.

Published on Points In Case // 08.05.24

Straight Male Friendships:

A Definitive Hierarchy

Only when determined to be A Good Dude or A Pretty Good Dude, will This Dude I Know become My Buddy.

Published on Points In Case // 01.16.23

The 5 Stages Of Grief Automated Voice Message System

Sorry, I didn’t get that: Are you experiencing ANGER because of the redundancy of this automated system or because you are in the second stage of grief known as ANGER?

Published on The Weekly Humorist // 08.23.22

Guy Who's Been Going To The Gym for One Week Answers Your Questions

Do ‘some of these’ and ‘some of those’ — whatever that means to you.

Published on Points In Case // 01.20.22

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Your Password Has Been Leaked, But It’s Chill

Definitely cringe, but as a tech startup that is not part of the Federal Reserve System, we’re kind of impressed. Seriously, this hack was lit.

Published on Points In Case // 09.16.21

The Real Victim Of This Tragedy Is My Artisanal Wares

What we need now is healing, and the best way to do that is through the power of kitschy doodads and ornamental knickknacks.

Published on Robot Butt // 06.11.21

THTR 402: Intro To The Corporate Workplace For Theater Majors

In this course you will learn several performance techniques for entertaining a corporate day job “just to pay the bills for now.”

Published on Points In Case // 05.18.21

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We, The Deep State, Concede That All Your Conspiracy Theories Are True

In 1960 at our Annual Goat Blood-A-Palooza & Family Fun Day, we saw a vision of you, the chosen one. We knew you, and you alone, had been bestowed with the unmatched intellect to bring down our secret organization. We’ve been trying to sabotage you ever since.

Published on Points In Case // 10.02.20

I’m The Candle In Your Bathroom, And I’m Having A Meltdown

I deserve better than this. I’m elegant. I’m refined. I was handcrafted in Vermont, you barbarian.

Published on Points In Case // 08.30.20

Watch the video version performed by Dominique Nisperos!

I'm The Lean Cuisine That's Been In Your Freezer for 3 Months

I’ve sat here freezing for months as you’ve past me over for meat-lovers pizzas and even a pint of ice cream—for dinner. I won’t shame you for that, it’s not my place. No, my place is to be an evolutionary step above paper. My role is to technically be food.

Published on Points In Case // 04.13.20

My Kink Is Regular Sex

Having sex turns me on, and I don’t care if society doesn’t “get it”—sex just feels good to me, ok?!

Published on Points In Case // 03.15.20

The First Baptist Church Christmas Eve Service 2019: Presented By Verizon Wireless

Believers, tonight I bring you good news of unlimited talk and text to the Creator of the universe, powered by America’s best 5G network.

Published on Points In Case // 12.23.19

To: The Lord RE: Your Mysterious Ways

Upper management has been attempting to quell frustration here on the ground floor by saying, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.” Well I for one think that You should not.

Published on Points In Case // 11.05.19

I Did My Part To Fight Climate Change This Week By Reading Five Headlines About It

Did I actually read any of the articles? Trust me, I was absolutely outraged when I read the headlines so I didn’t even need to.

Published On Robot Butt // 10.09.19

Watch the video version featuring Ian Lockwood!

Should I Buy A Jacket At This Vintage Clothing Store Or Retire Before I Turn 80?

At some point I’m going to have to come to terms with my wanton buying behavior, but given the cozy yet snug confines of this jacket, I just don’t know if today is that day.

Published On Robot Butt // 09.24.19

God Has Put It On My Heart To Ask You Out for Coffee This Weekend And Then To Marry Me In Six Months*

I really don’t know how else to describe it except to call it a miracle.

Published On Robot Butt // 09.09.19

*This was the most-read post on Robot Butt in 2019!

Despite Advice In My 8th Grade Yearbook, I Did Not "Stay Kewl"

While I may have followed through on other aspirations like having a “GR8 Summer” and “hittin’ up the pool or sumthin',” I did not take your edifying advice to stay my authentic, off-the-hook self.

Published on Points In Case // 08.28.19

Timeline Of The Socially Anxious Navigating A Summer BBQ

A minute-by-minute guide to leaving a party in an hour.

Published on Points In Case // 07.13.19

Thank You For Your Grace In Accepting My Debit Card, Though My Purchase Was Below The Card Minimum

To my delight you weren’t like other bartenders who have been so cold, unsympathetic, and ignorant of the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act.

Published on Points In Case // 07.05.19

Watch the video version performed by Amanda Xeller!

To All My Friends Still In Your 20s, Get With The Times

Being in your 20s was my thing, and honestly, it’s a little awkward that you’re trying to live out a trend that ended almost two full years ago.

Published on McSweeney’s // 6.10.19

Watch the video version performed by Meaghan Strickland and Tim Lamphier!